It's been awhile, I'm broken...

So I'm writing this post to let it all out.  I sit here with anxiety,  fear,  depressed,  lost and confused.
The only way I am able to lose weight is fat fasting.   For those of you who do not know what that is: eating 1000 calories a day with 90% coming from fat.   This results in me eating cream cheese and heavy cream.
I decided this is not normal,  and this is no way to live. 
I have been reading online and I think it's safe to say my metabolism is broken.  I'm always cold,  my heart rate is low,  I gain eating very low calorie and carb,  my periods are irregular,  I'm depressed,  I'm easily winded,  I'm always tired, my joints ache,  and I'm always sick.   Now if that's not enough I can openly admit that I have abused diet pills,  fad diets and fasting (A LOT) in the past,  always looking for that magic pill.

I sit here worrying,  hardly able to swallow my lunch thinking how bad I have treated my body even eating Paleo.  I'm so sad, I'm literally sick to my stomach.   I'm in need of healing,  and I'm not really in the mood.   I don't know what to do,  where to go.

I do know I should probably go back on a Paleo diet,  focus on healthy carbs and throw out my scale. I know I will have to gain more weight even though I'm about 160lbs, in order to heal myself.   I'm sweating thinking about not weighing myself every day,  I could vomit right here at work,  right on my desk on my tablet as I write this. But I will tape measure.

If anyone has any suggestions,  doctors,  books,  Web sites,  please let me know,  I'm grasping for straws!

Love,
Kerry

P.s. I'm not going off plan for the holidays any more,  that 20lb wit gain is not worth it.