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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I made it a week and a half..

So I could not go a month with out weighing myself.  After making it  a week this past weekend I got to thinking.  What happens if I don't weigh myself for a month, and I get on the scale and I'm like 175lbs?  Anxiety set in, I started to panic.  I knew if this happened it would be horrid on my mental well being.  I imagined the extreme anxiety and depression that set it, and tears formed in my eyes.  I tried to force the feelings out but it was near impossible.  So Monday morning I brought it up to my hubby, and asked him what he thought, and what he thinks I should do.  Later on that afternoon he said we can weigh ourselves tomorrow (this morning), and maybe instead of trying to go a month with out weighing shooting for once a week is better.  I was expecting another gain from last time, but secretly hoping not.   Well I got on the scale and I'm up to almost 165lbs.  I'm so upset, all of my fat clothes are now tight, and I don't even want to wear makeup anymore.  I don't even feel like caring how I look, its just totally depressing and mentally stressful to me.  What have I done?  Well I'm trying to focus on what I'm eating now.  No more SHIT!  I want to focus on eating clean, maybe not so paleo/primal, but clean low carb.  I'm allowing myself some peanut butter, some legumes, and some dairy.  I need to fix this!  I am trying to get in my 10000 steps a day, and I also bought a rebounder to bounce on occasionally.
I bought a new book to read;   The Protein Boost Diet by Ridha Arem.   It is supposed to improve your hormone efficiency for a fast metabolism and weight loss.  I am half way through and all the book has talked about is stress, hormones, and menopause.  I think I will adopt some of the ideas in this book, but some of the ideas just make me want to throw it against the wall and scream.  I am going to eat egg yolks, I am not cutting down on red meat (mine is grass fed so stop with the saturated fat is bad bullshit), and this whole mantra on eating low fat dairy is bullshit.. You tell me not to eat sugar, but eat low fat dairy?  fucking oxymoron because when you remove fat from dairy its replaced with sugar..  ANYWHO..  I'm learning, I'm not done with the book yet, and I will continue to read and update on my findings!

I want to say thank you to some of my readers and friends.  You have been super sweet by showing me how much you care and worrying about my well being.  Thank you so much for that, it makes me feel great.

I also want to post about how I like to post about my feelings, I want you guys to know if and when  I have hit rock bottom, I cry, I get psycho, I feel sorry for myself and I get pissed!  I'm human, and I post about it because I know people can relate, and its amazing when you are feeling like shit, and you can read about someone else and know you are not alone.  I do this because I have been in a very dark place in my far past, and I want others to know they are not alone.  Well I'm off now, to go read more about hormones, how to regulate them, and hopefully since I'm more then half way done, it will start to discuss eating!  YAY

Sweet dreams everyone! XOXOXO
Love Ya!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Day 3 no scale!

OK! so I am freaking out with out weighing myself every day, and its only day 3.  I feel bloated, fat, ugly.... The list goes on!
Today is St Patrick's day, yesterday I went to my mother in laws house, ate corned beef and cabbage, tasted some of my sister in laws AMAZING Irish soda bread (BAD KERRY)   and of course I know I am paying for it today being that I woke up looking 7 months pregnant.  All I can do is try to laugh about it, I knew that would happen but at least I can't weigh myself and beat the poop up over myself over it.

Happy birthday to my husband, and happy birthday to my mommy!  Odd enough they are both named Pat (yes I married someone with the same nickname as my mom ACKWARDDDD).
I'm  sitting here debating on what I should eat for dinner , hubby went out for his birthday and its so strange to be home alone with the kids knowing hes out partying on his birthday.  I'm not upset, its just odd.  I guess I was secretly hoping he wanted to spend the night with me, but its fine, he will be home sooner or later.  LOL I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES!

Saturday afternoon I picked up 1/8th of a grass fed steer, and 1/4th of a grass fed pig from my Meetup.com meat group.  My freezer is jammed with yummies,  so I think maybe I should treat myself to something delish, fried in butter and a stiff drink on the side!

WHERE TO START?  Well soon I need to adopt an exercise plan I can stick to also, so please feel free to chime in at any time to point me in the right direction!  

Thursday, March 13, 2014

It's been awhile, I'm broken...

So I'm writing this post to let it all out.  I sit here with anxiety,  fear,  depressed,  lost and confused.
The only way I am able to lose weight is fat fasting.   For those of you who do not know what that is: eating 1000 calories a day with 90% coming from fat.   This results in me eating cream cheese and heavy cream.
I decided this is not normal,  and this is no way to live. 
I have been reading online and I think it's safe to say my metabolism is broken.  I'm always cold,  my heart rate is low,  I gain eating very low calorie and carb,  my periods are irregular,  I'm depressed,  I'm easily winded,  I'm always tired, my joints ache,  and I'm always sick.   Now if that's not enough I can openly admit that I have abused diet pills,  fad diets and fasting (A LOT) in the past,  always looking for that magic pill.

I sit here worrying,  hardly able to swallow my lunch thinking how bad I have treated my body even eating Paleo.  I'm so sad, I'm literally sick to my stomach.   I'm in need of healing,  and I'm not really in the mood.   I don't know what to do,  where to go.

I do know I should probably go back on a Paleo diet,  focus on healthy carbs and throw out my scale. I know I will have to gain more weight even though I'm about 160lbs, in order to heal myself.   I'm sweating thinking about not weighing myself every day,  I could vomit right here at work,  right on my desk on my tablet as I write this. But I will tape measure.

If anyone has any suggestions,  doctors,  books,  Web sites,  please let me know,  I'm grasping for straws!


P.s. I'm not going off plan for the holidays any more,  that 20lb wit gain is not worth it.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

French toast sticks!

First let me tell you this recipe is low carb, Keto, paleo, primal, and gluten free.  It's also sugar free if you don't consider Stevia "sugar".

Preheat the oven to 375°F
Have a parchment lined 9 by 14 pan ready

For the bread part you need
6 eggs
1/4th cup coconut flour
1/4th cup flax meal
1/4th cup almond flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3Tbsp coconut oil
Your sweetner of choice to taste
(I used 50 drops of Stevia)
Mixed this all well with a fork till the lumps are worked out.

I then thinly spread this over the bottom of my parchment lined dish. Popped it in the oven for 20 minutes.

When it was out I let it cool a little then sliced it in the middle then cut little sticks out of it.  I got 20 French toast sticks.

In a shallow rectangle Tupperware I mixed
2 eggs
1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk (I only had vanilla on hand)
And 2 more teaspoons of cinnamon

Wisk well, then coat the sticks in the mixture.
I did a few at a time.  I then fried them in a frying pan with Kerry gold butter till all the sides are nice and golden brown.

These are very filling!  You can top them as your diet permits.  I used sugar free maple syrup.  You could use regular syrup, honey, whipped cream, jam etc.. 

Hope you like them!  Please let me know if you come up with any good tweaks!

Below are some pictures of my steps!

Friday, January 31, 2014

I'm depressed!

So after my detox I went back to eating low carb.  Watching what I eat etc.  I have gained back to 161lbs.  This is so upsetting to me considering I was around 143 before the holidays and I'd like to be in the low 130s.
I am upset!  What do you do when the best isn't good enough?  Well I'm tweaking now! 
My position has changed at my job, and the location has changed also.  I went from easily walking 10000 steps a day to walking under 5000 steps today.  I'm working longer hours it's becoming harder and harder to get exercise in and I just can't lose any weight.  everyday I weigh myself I weigh more and more.
then I think about the professionals, they want professional bodies they act professionally.  they weigh their food, they measure everything, they work out everyday, they keep detailed logs and everything!  if I want to look like a fitness model I need to have those habits! 
Starting Monday I'm going back to a strict low carb high fat diet, measuring everything and logging on my fitness pal.  I'm also going to start whipping my ass into shape!  Exercising, walking more, heavy lifting..  I am also doing 100 squats a day for 30 days, today is day 2.

My fitness goal for February is to be under 150lbs.  I'm going to post on here to stay accountable.   Helllllpppppppp :(  I need all the support I can get!